Seinfeld sessions

We call ourselves 'seinfeldian' on this blog, yet we have shamefully not elaborated upon that title. Sure, every tone of sarcasm found here is rooted in Seinfeld's life philosophy--but he is worth several tributes. From time to time we will pay tribute through some reflections on favorite episodes, quotes, characters ect...Just to get things going in this holiday season is just some of the best quotes from his stand up comedy and interviews. Feel free to add to the list and use these while at home with the fam.


• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
• Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
• Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
• That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me
• Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
• Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
• People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

• The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
• I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
• My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
• I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
• See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

• You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
• I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

• Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
• I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'”

• By the way, men go about their daily business for one purpose... to get the attention of women. Like the guy coming out of his space-ship, he's been in orbit for 3 weeks; first woman he sees he'll be like, 'So, did you see me up there?

• I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

• Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

• I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
• What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face. And a name with eight consonants in a row.

• I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They're hanging in there with the chopsticks,aren't they? You know they've seen the fork

• [On landing on the moon] What the hell were they doin' with a car on the damn moon? You're on the moon already! Isn't that far enough?


...by the way, we have not commented on the Allen Iverson situation because we are still mourning....